Tag Archives: Love

New Year, New Me? The truth, the whole truth and nothing but…

20 Jan

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So I have been neglecting my blog a little, well a lot since last year and I have missed it. I think sometimes you need to take a step back and have a look at the reality of life otherwise you will forget to live it. I have been living life like a lunatic, I got married in August and settled down to the suburban ideal. Weddings are not without their niggles and it is rarely the things that you stay awake worrying about that will cause problems on the day. It tends to be the unforeseen and unpredictable elements and people that rear their ugly heads on the day. In reality though you kind of have to just go with the flow, don’t expect too much of anything and you will never be disappointed. I have spent every single New Year that has been planned and anticipated for weeks with a sense of blah. The night will never be as electric and you will never look as enigmatic or the food will never be as good or the music as cool or the people as sexy as they were in your mind on December 29th or if that isn’t your bag then the porn you downloaded won’t be as hardcore as you anticipated or the popcorn you bought will be slightly stale…what I am getting at is that you will feel slightly let down and cheated by your over ambitious imagination. The same goes for your wedding day and life in general. I am not suggesting that you should remain cynical and uninvolved with the world ‘just in case’. The expectation of a fall is often followed by just that as we all know but you should be prepared to lose control, handover the reigns to the universe and think fuck it, what will be will be.

It has been a long and difficult process to get to this point of view, my battles with OCD and anxiety have been well documented in this blog and really I am a meticulous planner, I had lists and table plans and more lists and spent hours scouring the internet for florists and dresses and bridesmaid shoes (nearly killed me) I was a hideous bridezilla at the rehearsal ‘don’t speak to me, I just need you all to leave me alone or I will cry’ and the following dinner. But what I took from my wedding day was that if you believe that no matter what happens you will have an amazing time and it will be a truly magical day then it will be. You can breathe deep and just let go, it is a terrifying and liberating feeling. I promise. With an attitude like that you can spill so much wine over yourself that your fingers go pruney, chase Ukrainian tourists with video cameras from your wedding venue and forget to speak to at least half your guests without a care in the world (I also managed to break the strap of my dress during the first dance and bleed all over said dress pre photos)

My therapist told me that your truth is the truth. Obviously this is a very broad statement and if your truth involves deliberately hurting others or anything illegal then perhaps you should skip this section but widely speaking if you are happy and content with your lot then you have enough. That is what makes us all so unique and it leads to a wonderful place where nobody can really alter your reality. There are certain papers that I no longer read and certain people that I don’t associate with because their influence lead me to feel badly about my looks, finances, life choices etc. I have been led to think that I am not thin enough, rich enough or successful enough by outside elements but if you can believe that you have plenty then you do, if you believe you are good at your job then you are, if you believe that you are beautiful then it is true and if you believe that the world is going to the dogs then it is. It works both ways and the truth is a very powerful thing.

What I am trying to say is, that in this day and age when life is so stressful and expensive and our expectations of the future are either very high or very low it is important to remember that being happy, being content and being a dignified and decent person is enough. If you know these things to be true then the character of life; the excitement, the pain, the unexpected detours and the heartache, the wins and the losses are what makes it all so special…just like the drunken arguments, the ruined shoes and the tears of joy on your wedding day.

A Letter

8 Apr

I haven’t written a blog since before Christmas, in the last few weeks a few things have happened and I wanted to share something. I will set the context first. I suffer from anxiety and have for a year or so and I am starting to get better and this has caused a lot of problems with my dad as the past has a lot to do with the way I feel at the moment. I had an argument with my Dad, sort of, over Easter. It was the last and biggest in a long line of issues that have caused many spells of not speaking. I haven’t seen him or been in contact in any way since so I wrote him a letter to tell him how I felt about the things that have happened in the past 15 years that have led us to where we are today. When I read it back I realised that the things I had spoken about in the letter to my father were about me and the pressures I have put on myself as much as they were about him. I found it very therapeutic so I wrote a letter to myself too.

I decided to share it with all of you because most things written in the media for men and women is designed to make us feel bad so that we will go and buy the products that will ‘cure’ our ills. We are too fat, buy the diet pills. We are not fabulous enough, buy the bag. We are too old, buy the wrinkle cream. It has taken me a long time to realise that in reality you don’t need anything. Success and happiness are relative. I have stopped reading the paper and magazines at recommendation of my shrink and I have started paying attention to real life.  

Bare in mind that I may not believe everything I write in this letter but I do my best to read it often and take it on board. I hope it might have some affect on your life. Be kind to yourself.

To You,

Life is very hard at the moment, you are stuck between the comfortable misery that used to be life and moving forward to getting better. It seems super difficult and confusing right now because part of you wants to stay in the familiar drives and expectations of people that you have become used to. But the other part, the strong and clever part would like to step into the future where it is OK to be you. Who has the right to put boundaries on who you are and what is right or wrong. 

Things to remember are:

You are a nice person, apart from some petty theft in the past, you have never done anything that would be considered bad. You care about people, you work hard and even if you don’t you are not a bad person. You are still valuable and sometimes you need to realise this and put yourself first. You are important and just as important as everyone else. Stop putting their needs before yours. 

Also, some people are not very nice-this may be because of their own history but you must accept that this is the case because it will make life more kind and contented to understand that no matter how nice you are some people will never return the favour. If you are able to see this then you will be able to to forgive people from the past and stop trying to please these people. If they don’t consider you to be their equal then that is their prerogative not yours. Always remember this; your opinions are valuable.Everything is actually fine no matter how overwhelming it seems. 

These things are truths:

  • Your family love you
  • You have a home
  • You have a brain, strength, bravery and spirit
  • You are funny and fun
  • Your other half loves you as much as you love him
  • life’s little surprises are to be enjoyed-being a victim will only make you more susceptible to catastrophe
  • You will not end up penniless or homeless. No matter what happens life will end up working out
  • The worst has already happened and you coped brilliantly
  • Success is personal, as long as you feel your life is successful it is unnecessary to compare it to others. No matter how rich, thin, funny, talented you are there will always be someone to be jealous of.
  • Jealousy will not make you happier. Being content with who you are and what you have will leave room for you to grow and to see the opportunities available.

Finally

  • You are capable and beautiful.
  • A size 10 is not fat! Eating is fun and should be enjoyed, don’t feel guilty!

 

Everything, EVERYTHING is within your control and capability

Lots of love You.xxx 

Love, Lies and Eastern Europeans; A Practical Guide to Romance

6 Dec

My first trip to Liverpool

I am still relatively new to the area where I live (2 years and a few weeks) I love this city but I came here by accident really. If you believe in fate then that could be held accountable I suppose. Moving here was potentially the most stupid thing I have ever done.
I met a man in Brighton we became friends and then he moved back home to Liverpool. Within 3 months I had started a long distance relationship, ditched my job and my flat and the life I had made for myself, eventually moving 300 miles to a city I had only visited a handful of times to move in with this person. It all seems impulsive and romantic but in reality it could have blown up in my face and left me jobless and homeless, full of regrets. I would never advise somebody to do it because there are very few success stories in this category. The best advice I would give anyone considering a similar move is so far from romance it is ridiculous. Remain sensible. This is laughable given the context but when it comes to any relationship you have to tell your emotions to just shut up for a second. Being sensible is not sexy or alluring but it is a bloody good way to protect yourself. I had to brush away all the Hollywood ideals I had about love and romance and decide that in reality life can be a lot less shiny. Despite being bombarded by ‘reality’ tv as a western society we are so willing to believe the rubbish we see in books and films. The success of Twilight is a great example of the nonsense we will devour. Why do we do it? Because we are hopeful and because at the moment Great Britain ain’t so great so we throw ourselves into a world where everybody is beautiful and love conquers all. This is preferable it would seem to a world where everybody is poor and depression conquers all.

A year before moving I had been well and truly screwed over by a boyfriend. It wasn’t what he did to me it was what I allowed to happen. I am sorry to tell you this but in relationships we allow a lot of things to happen to us, not necessarily consciously but we let people treat us a certain way based on how we feel about ourselves and the preconceptions we have about relationships. When I look back at the sort of shit I let him get away with I am astonished. He lied, outrageous and unbelievable lies in order to see his ex girlfriend. I once believed that he had been held captive by a group of Eastern Europeans in a house not far from his flat (I KNOW!!!!) He claimed they hadn’t taken his phone or IPod because they were too old and that they had let him go because it was ‘nearly christmas’

I believed that. I also believed that he went to band practice every week despite the fact that he couldn’t sing or play an instrument and that a few condoms went missing every now and again because he carried them on his person just in case he and I got carried away. We never did.

My mind is blown that I was cool and unquestioning of these things, even when he let me borrow his phone and I saw hundreds of messages from one girl I still didn’t twig. The heart is a blind and insanely loyal creature if you allow it to be. Nobody wants to get hurt and we are very good at putting our blinkers on to prevent that.

So when I moved to Liverpool on a whim I left my rose tinted glasses at home and took a practical approach. I paid the deposit on our flat so that if we broke up I had a little financial security, we got two bedrooms in case it didn’t work out we could still live as friends. I made sure I went out and met people so that I would have a support network that didn’t involve his friends. It all seems very morbid and negative but I still do it today. Our finances are combined and he pays the rent whilst I pay the living expenses but anything more long term like credit cards or overdrafts are kept separate because I don’t believe he should be saddled with my debt if we split up and vice versa. Luckily we are very happy and settled. He has been an amazing influence on my life and moving to Liverpool kick started my modelling career again. I haven’t had to use any of the precautions I set up upon my arrival which is great but I have to say that it takes the pressure off. I am secure in the knowledge that we are in it for the long term (we have a dog that will live until we are 40) but I am also aware that if it all goes tits up I have a back up plan. It’s hardly ‘Casablanca’ but I always thought Rick was a bit of knob for letting Elsa mess him about like that anyway.