Tag Archives: funny

Cold Blood, Ants and ‘The Other Woman’

16 Jun

I have been home alone for the majority of this week as Stevie was away with work, so I am feeling a little delicate. Bear with me, this may not be the hilarious tour de force it has been previously. Once upon a time we lived at opposite ends of the country for a few months and it was slighty reminiscent of that except much less romantic and much more boring and stressful. Ireland was kind to Stevie, our children were not to me. He ate carpaccio and duck, I ate tinned ravioli and left over fish finger, singular. He slept in a king sized bed, I slept in a mass of limbs and snoring toddlers. It wasn’t all bad, I have a wicked tan from being outside all week to avoid the inevitable cabin fever that comes from zero adult interaction- single parents, I doth my cap! Here I am driven by Pinot Grigio and After Eights (God I am such a cliche) ready for review number 3.

There are already rumblings of discontent because I have expressed certain views on this weeks songs, I wait with baited breath as to whether we will still be talking in an hour or so but if not, it won’t be that different to when he was away and I got a lot of shit tele watched over the last few days so… If watching ‘Jeremy Kyle’ on catch up TV is a crime, arrest me now because I am guilty as charged.

 

Alt J: In Cold Blood

7/10

I have heard this several times on the radio, sort of in the background when I’m driving about and it never grabbed me. I am always pleased when it comes on but never pay it much attention. It has a bit of a James Bond theme tune vibe which is probably down to the brass but that isn’t very fashionable. However, the big brassy sound is unexpected and gives it depth which is much needed as it is bloody repetitive. The music seems really considered, it is multi layered and complex which kind of highlights how lazy the lyrics are, it really reminds me of the robot song from ‘Flight of the Conchords’. A Parody of a good song. BUT and it is a big but, it is so cool and nonchalant and sexy. It makes me want to be an edgier and more exciting person (it wouldn’t be hard!) I want to run away to the indie circus and teach lions to play ‘Seven Nation Army’ on a yamaha keyboard. It has a great Fargo-esque video that is probably better than the song. The fact that I don’t really have anything funny or clever to say about it usually suggests that I am into it. Shit.

 

Starcrawler: Ants

9/10

Urgh, I fucking love this.

It reminds me of a time in my life where I loved Joan Jett and Brody Armstrong. Around 2004 I used to watch P-Rock on Sky and wear a shirt and tie, fish nets and tartan mini skirt. I was doing my A Levels at a girl’s school, stuck in rural Northamptonshire, looking at the beautiful countryside and seething internally because I was so bleeding punk and it was desperately sad that I had been born into the least punk life anyone has ever had. I had been condemned to a life of privilege with nothing to be angry about except the lack of things to be angry about. I can hear Stevie snorting derisively in my head as I type this but I imagine 75% of punks are from the same background. It is quite often the pursuit of people with quite a lot of spare time and not much to be cross about.

The song is hair metal meets punk in 2017 which is a difficult concept to visualise. It is also a song entirely about ants but it’s simple and sublime. No messing, androgynous front woman with a penchant for jumpsuits and mullets, deffo totally sensational live. Everything about it is really refreshing but comfortingly familiar.

 

 

Marika Hackman: Violet

6/10

Stevie is well into a new wave of 90’s grunge inspired female singers/bands. I had heard one of her other songs being played in our house so had an idea of what to expect. Let me start with a disclaimer: I didn’t like 90’s grunge the first time around and as much as I love love love the influx of women who don’t feel the need to be ‘sexy’ to be successful I find it far from groundbreaking, musically. I also get the feeling that I am in the minority with this opinion. General consensus of this tune by everyone but me: V. Cool. I struggle to be blown away by this song and I know that Stevie loves it so I am expecting a backlash.

I want it to be interesting and there is a string section that took me by surprise but it is all so VANILLA. Yes it mixes things up a bit and I am pretty sure Kurt Cobain had the same t shirt but it is so contrived. It is girls in boys clothes singing breathy, uninspiring songs about the weather (sorry Stevie!!) It is like someone saying that they ate bacon in a hot cross bun. It sounds weird and exciting initially but gradually you realise that people have been eating pork with fruit for hundreds of years and it is just a slight variation on a tried and tested formula. Good effort, pleasant enough but I am unlikely to hand the HP over any time soon.

R.I.P my marriage. We have weathered many a storm like the time I threw a tea bag and hit him in the eye, twice. We have survived my hatred of boxing and the fact that I will categorically never go to Las Vegas. We are still together even though I am a hypocrite by my own admission and he hates ‘The Real Housewives of Cheshire’. We did so well until ‘Marika Hackman gate’. If that isn’t irreconcilable differences then I don’t know what is.

Share this review. I need all the help I can get.

 

Blondie, Big Thief and Bad Reggae.

4 Jun

I am back, like a lingering smell the review has returned! Is it good. Is it bad? It’s hard to tell. Like a ripe Brie, some people love it and others are repulsed. Anyway, plenty of smell analogies there to be going on with so we will move on.

Last week and this week have all been music that Stevie has mixed opinions on which makes for an exciting (in the scheme of a stay at home mum, exciting) Mr and Mrs style competition. Will we like the same songs? Who will be offended first/the most? It is a risky Russian roulette of music reviews and marriage that could end in death or passive aggressive muttering and I am not sure which is worse. Next week is all music that he genuinely loves and as I have already stealthily acquired a chicken coop against his wishes, I may well find myself on the end of a particularly barbed comment about which way up I leave the spoons on the drying rack, if we don’t agree.

Hopefully this week I am safe and our family will remain intact…for now.

 

1. Blondie: Long Time

5/10

I LOVE Debbie Harry, she is and was so fit and cool. Those pins, that hair and the attitude! Sadly this is not reflected in the latest release (sorry to pull the rug). It starts with the promise of original, true to form Blondie. I was pretty excited and the video uses sunglasses as a clever way to disguise that anyone has aged since 1985, because God forbid celebrities should succumb to the ravages of time. Opening reminds me of that Christmas song ‘Christmas Rapping’ without the ‘clever’ pun. It is fun and lighthearted and then we trail off into a damp squib of a chorus- massive let down.

It’s not very edgy. It is mum-friendly, but not me mum-friendly, my mum mum-friendly. I saw a video of a load of middle aged women, dancing to a tribute band in their white cropped trousers and nice blouses the other day. They had been at a wine tasting and I thought how much they would love this song. They would be kicking off their mules and really letting loose to this one.

I was disappointed and maybe I expected too much as it is a good effort but ‘I can make everybody want to be your friend’ sounds like Debbie is singing to an over indulged toddler and I get enough of that in my day job.

 

2. Big Thief: Sharksmile

9/10

This is superb. It has so many delicious, guilty pleasure influences. It has hints of Journey and Dolly Parton with a splash of Lana Del Ray minus the excessive pouting and remains totally current and gloriously understated (deffo been watching too much Masterchef) Also reminds me a bit of early First Aid Kit which is a firm favourite in our house.

It is really hard to put your finger on why some songs speak to you in a way others don’t. At the risk of being cliche I can imagine listening to it on my way to a dive bar, with the roof down, late at night in America. It is all the angst and excitement that I imagine you get when you might meet you soul mate over a bottle of Corona (I am busking here). It is hard to picture anything more extravagant than that after several months of being in bed by 11 pm and driving an SUV crossover with the ‘Trolls’ soundtrack played on a loop for eternity but escapism is what makes any amazing song such a treat. We will be free again one day…right?

 

 

 

3. Wrongtom, The Ragga Twins: Woah.

4/10

Oh God, it is so not for me. I feel bad for even saying that because I get the feeling that in it’s field people probably really rate it. Unfortunately I don’t get it at all. It is repetitive and lacks any of the warmth or charm I associate with Reggae and Ska. It has a sexy, 80’s sax vibe going on in the background which jars with the pounding juggernaut that is the the melody. I sort of wonder when the appropriate time is to listen to this? Stevie likes to walk home to this which isn’t totally ridiculous.

Potentially it would be a really great tune to listen to when you have taken a load of speed and want to walk to Brighton to see a mate you knew 3 years ago. It would definitely keep you going for a while but even in that scenario, eventually you would begin to feel like you are being hit over the head and the crushing realisation that Brighton is 150 miles away and you never liked that lad anyway would set in. You’d be left just standing, listening to a really aggressive song that you don’t know any of the words to.

So, yeah, that.

 

 

 

 

If you like this then share it! I am beginning to find that I like writing the negative reviews a lot more than the positive ones which sort of sums me up as a person.

 

 

SO it begins…

26 May

This is a new endeavour so let me set the scene a little. Stevie, my husband, plays me songs on a regular basis, he is well into discovering new music. This usually happens when I am blindly scrolling through Instagram, feeling sorry for myself because I am not a 19 year old, Italian millionaire. He plays a song on the tele or whatever and then we get on with our lives; either worrying about our small, sleepless children or discussing the whereabouts of the box of nails which has been missing for several days now. The coat rack has fallen down and we have no way to reattach it, it is a complex and difficult issue.

It came about that I was moaning (an unlikely tale, I know!) about not writing enough at the moment and he suggested I write a review of 3 new songs from a variety of people he chooses. There is a formula and a set schedule which is gruelling and exhausting so I won’t go into it but all in all I am excited.

So here are my first three reviews. Bear in mind that I have no musical knowledge, I am just dead keen on the sound of my own voice/typing.

 

1. Snoop Dogg: Mt. Kushmore

8/10 (I drew a smiley face in my notes!)

I liked this. As a middle class, middle of the road, nearly middle aged, midlander I wonder if I am cool enough for Snoop. I feel like, potentially I am the opposite of everything he stands for but hey, is that not what life is all about?

It has a 90’s hip hop vibe, kind of retro and current at the same time. I spent a lot of time wondering if weed is still cool these days? It was cool when I was 16 when getting out of your tree on literally ANY substance made you the king. Weed was the holy grail because it was illegal but not actually scary enough to do you any physical harm. You could appear dangerous and gangster without being either of those things. Snoop is still pushing blunt culture and loving it, it would seem!

It makes me want to do really unattractive mum dancing. The kind of thing I see all the popular you-tubers doing but definitely couldn’t and shouldn’t pull off. It’s a dancer, anyway and to be honest, I wish I cared enough not to throw some embarrassing shapes. So does Stevie who gets to watch the videos I send him of my dancing when he is at work.

I didn’t appreciate “I slip my dick in yer daughter” but overall I’m a fan. Better than ‘What’s on yer plate’ from Cbeebies which is what I usually have stuck in my head. A welcome relief.

 

2. Kasabian: You’re In Love With a Psycho

6/10

 My initial thoughts are that Kasabian are a bit shit/smug. That is definitely my preconception. Originally I gave this 4/10 because I agreed with my original assumptions but actually, on subsequent listens, I was kind of into it. I mean, deffo a bit smug but the song itself sticks in your head and it is pretty light-hearted and entertaining. There are some big names in the video which makes me hate them a bit for trotting out their celeb mates to add gravitas to a song that doesn’t have or require any complexity. “You’re in love with a psycho and there is nothing you can do about it” ain’t winning an Ivor Novello anytime soon and no amount of Stephen Graham will change that.

I can’t remember any Kasabian songs to compare it to and I wondered if that is because they are a bit beige but then I found the milk on the bookcase the other day so this would suggest that it is more a case of my brain being slowly destroyed by 3 years of parenting on zero sleep or nearly 30 years of wine binges. Neither of which are Kasabian’s fault as far as I remember…

Stevie used to get mistaken for Serge from Kasabian so maybe that’s why he likes it but for me it was only alright. I sort of ran out of stuff to say about this one because my feelings are pretty mediocre about it all. It isn’t groundbreaking but I didn’t loathe it. High praise indeed!

 

3. Aldous Harding: Imagining My Man

9/10

I whole heartedly love this. She is exactly the sort of woman that Stevie would leave me for; dark, ethereal, strong-featured, bit weird, all his top qualities and she is musical. You would imagine that this would make me hate her, so it is testament to her talent that I adore it.

This song reminded me of all the female singers I liked circa 2006 when I had just got into Joni Mitchell and Martha Wainwright. I am totally into the amazing lilting voice and how effortless it seems. There is a lot of conflicting ideas and maybe that is why it is so hypnotic. The vulnerability coming from a woman who appears to be very strong, it is very feminine from someone who is quite androgynous. I put down my social media and pay attention when this song comes on which is impressive. Normally someone or something has to be on fire or the one year old has to be at least 4 steps up the slide ladder before I am roused from the brain sapping powers of celebrity Twitter spats.

1 point off because I have never been the sort of person to peak too soon, unless it involves a buffet.

 

There you have it, my thoughts on music that nobody asked for but everybody got. I have posted this before Stevie has seen any of it so I hope it doesn’t end in divorce or there won’t be one next week, which would be a shame.

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